


Take This Sinking Boat (And Point it Home)

by remuslives23



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Break Up and Make Up, Drug Use, M/M, archduck, first war era, old fic, rs remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 06:41:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2956148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remuslives23/pseuds/remuslives23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sent on a mission by Dumbledore, an estranged Remus and Sirius must find a way to push their mistrust and anger aside and work together</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> As soon as I read 'Athens' by archduck, I knew it would be the piece I remixed. I wanted to know why they were in Athens and immediately began to plot a story out in my head. In just a few words, archduck set a glorious scene, and I just hope this fic does the piece justice. Please excuse any mistranslations. I'm relying on internet translation programs. Sections of archduck's original drabble used/paraphrased. Title is from 'Falling Slowly' by Hansgard & Irglova.

June, 1981

Sirius Black stumbled as his feet hit the ground and his stomach churned violently. He dropped the cracked leather boot he'd been clutching in his hand and doubled over as he dry heaved. He heard a groan and looked up through the veil of his fringe, watching as Remus Lupin slumped against the dirty white wall of the small arrivals area, his face grey and hands trembling as the shock of the long-distance jump caught up with him.

'Please use the containers provided if you need to be ill,' said a bored-sounding voice. Sirius twisted around, staring at the middle-aged man behind a cheap, plywood desk in the corner. The balding man glared at him and tapped the end of his quill on the rim of a wooden box full to the brim of detritus. 'Please hand in your used Portkey and exit to your right. I hope you have a pleasant stay in Athens. Don't forget to visit our many magical monuments.'

Sirius scowled at him as he straightened, but Remus moved between them, giving the man a curt nod as he scooped up the boot and tossed it into the indicated box. He caught Sirius' eye and shook his head, inclining it towards the door. 'Come on,' he said in a low, irritated tone. 'Give it twenty-four hours before you start making your presence felt, yeah?'

Sirius' mood soured even further, and he petulantly followed Remus out the door. The bright sunlight stung their eyes as they emerged, and Sirius ran into Remus' back as the other man stopped suddenly. 'Bit of warning, eh?' he grumbled then he coughed as Remus planted his elbow in his ribs.

'Oh, sorry,' Remus said with vindictive sweetness, glancing over his shoulder. 'Did I get you?'

He strode away down the street before Sirius could retort, and he was left to scurry after the other man once again, mumbling discontentedly under his breath. 'Where are we, anyway?'

'Athens.'

'Don't be a prat, Remus.'

'Thiseio.' Remus shot him a derisive sideways glance. 'That help any?'

Sirius bit back his terse reply and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. This was a huge mistake. Dumbledore must have been mad to send him to Athens with Remus. Hadn't he heard about their break up? How dirty and nasty it had become? He had to have known when he called them both to his office and told them about this mission. Hell, he'd been there at the Order meeting the day after Remus had moved out; the already tense atmosphere thick with resentment and dark silence as the former lovers glared daggers at each other across the table.

Sirius' eyes lingered on Remus' back as he trailed behind him down the street, and he was unable to stop them from dropping to the gentle curve of Remus' arse. The worst part of their split was that Sirius still loved the bastard. Loved him, wanted him, needed him desperately, and knowing this only made him more bitter. It wasn't love - love he hadn't thought he was capable of until Remus - that had failed them. It was trust. It was faith. It was hope.

Everything he thought they'd never have reason to doubt.

Sirius scowled at Remus' back, wanting to kick (kiss) his perfect fucking arse. He wanted to scream and yell all the accusations that had been frozen on his tongue by their cold silences. He wanted to hurt Remus, to damage him, make him react and prove that he wasn't as unemotional, as unmoved as he'd appeared when he shifted out of their (Sirius') flat, but Sirius was too damn scared of finding out Remus had been so stoic because he really didn't care.

Sirius sighed heavily, his feet dragging along the sun-warmed cobbles. Hating Remus Lupin and loving him at the same time was exhausting.

Remus stopped suddenly again, but this time Sirius avoided running into him. As Remus checked the slip of parchment that held the address of their flat, Sirius leaned back against a light pole and looked around. It was mid-afternoon and balmy, a different kind of warmth to that which they'd left behind in London. It was drier, crisper, and Sirius felt the urge to tear his shirt off and soak up the temperate rays . A couple of scantily-clad teenage girls walked past and, although he didn't understand a word of their rapid fire conversation, the glimmer of carnal interest in their eyes was a language he definitely had no trouble comprehending.

He smiled winningly at them, his ego boosted when they giggled flirtatiously in response. He subtly shifted his stance to give them a better look at his lean frame and caught Remus watching his antics, an odd mix of longing and pain on his face. When he realised Sirius had seen him, he turned away, the familiar shutters coming down.

The girls had moved on, put out by Sirius' distraction. He pushed himself away from the light pole with a frustrated exhale, ignoring the ache that had blossomed in his chest at the sight of Remus finally feeling something. 'This is what you wanted,' he told himself. 'You wanted a sign that he cared, that this was hurting him as much as it's hurting you.' This was why Lily always told him to be careful what he wished for. Seeing Remus' pain wasn't the vindication he thought it would be. It had only made the ache worse.

'I'm not sure we're going the right way,' Remus mused quietly.

Sirius leaned in to peer over Remus' shoulder, feeling the other man stiffen in response. He ignored the fresh surge of hurt at the reaction and squinted down at the parchment in Remus' hands, trying to read Dumbledore's slanted scrawl. 'What's the name of the street?'

'Nileos Street,' Remus replied, taking an extraordinarily keen interest in a sign on a nearby building. Sirius stepped back, and Remus' tension eased immediately. Sirius turned away to leave him to it, looking around properly and blinking in surprise at the sight of the Acropolis - far closer than he'd expected. He automatically turned to draw Remus' attention to it, but stilled his tongue when he remembered they didn't do those little couple-y things any more. He watched Remus silently mouthing translations to himself, feeling as lonely as if he'd come here by himself, then turned away once again. He stared unseeingly at the striking scenery until Remus said with an air of relief, 'Number eighteen... It's up here.'

'You sure?' Sirius asked doubtfully.

Remus turned on him, lip curled, and spat,' Do you want to take your chances alone?'

Sirius crossed his arms sulkily, but didn't say retort, allowing himself to be pulled along in Remus' wake. 'This is stupid,' he muttered, kicking a stray chocolate wrapper out of his path. 'Don't know why Dumbledore thinks we're both needed here.'

'I can do this myself if you want to leave,' Remus said, stride lengthening as his tone sharpened.

'And have Dumbledore go spare at me for leaving you here alone?' Sirius huffed. 'Not likely.'

Remus stopped outside a building with a red door and peeling paint then met Sirius' gaze without flinching for the first time since their break up two weeks earlier. 'Then I'm afraid you're stuck here with me, aren't you?' he said, voice rough with an indiscernible emotion. He flushed and cleared his throat then said in a rush as he turned away, 'Let's just meet the informant, get whatever information he's selling, then go home.' He tapped the door with his wand and the lock clicked. Remus glanced over his shoulder at Sirius. 'Try not to get us killed.'

0o0

The musty Muggle flat was bare apart from a refrigerator, a couple of stools, a grubby couch, and a double-sized mattress on a creaky spring base in the only bedroom. Remus flicked the power switch to turn on the fridge while Sirius opened the windows then they both stared in silence at the stained foam mattress. The air was thick, stifling, between them. Just a few weeks earlier they would have fallen onto that mattress, made a joke about the handy bars on the headboard or playfully fought over who was going to Silence the noisy springs every night, then tested it out thoroughly.

Now, Sirius swallowed hard, eyes fixed on a stain of dubious origins in the middle of the mattress, and Remus shifted uncomfortably before saying in a choked voice, 'We'll take it in turns. You can have it tonight.'

He left quickly, and Sirius could breathe again.

0o0

They avoided each other for as long as they could, Remus disappearing into the bathroom and Sirius unpacking the meager supplies they'd managed to grab in the hour Dumbledore had allowed them before they were whisked away. His grumbling stomach made him aware of the distinct lack of edible items in the stash so, when he heard the quiet rumble of the old pipes quiet, he put his head around the corner to call out.

Sirius' breath caught as Remus came out of the bathroom, his face still dripping and chest bare, the clean scent of soap rising from his skin. Rivulets of water trickled in a meandering path across his shoulders, down his chest, following the topography dictated by his scarred flesh. The sight distracted Sirius, leaving him with a dry throat and no words as he remembered better times, resisting the urge to follow the winding tributaries with his tongue.

Remus' blue eyes widened when he saw Sirius watching him and he held himself like a spooked animal, tense and wary, as they stood frozen in the tiny hall. 'Did you want..?' he finally asked, his voice trailing off as he waved his hand in the direction of the open bathroom door.

Sirius shook himself, glancing into the functional bathroom before clearing his throat. 'No,' he answered. 'No, I was thinking... Food...'

'Oh,' Remus breathed then, after another moment of awkwardness that seemed to hang between them, he shuffled past Sirius, careful to avoid any parts of their bodies touching. 'Yes, I...'

Sirius leaned against the wall, taking a moment to breathe in deeply before stepping out into the living area. Remus was rummaging through a velvet drawstring bag Dumbledore had given him before they left, a soft tinkling coming from within. 'There should be enough money to get us through the week,' he said, head down. He pulled out a small purse and threw it to Sirius. 'Lepta and drachmae,' he told Sirius. Sirius pulled a handful of the unfamiliar coins out of the purse, examining them without any real interest as Remus continued, rattling off exchange rates and approximating how much money Dumbledore had given them.

'I've got money,' Sirius interrupted, giving the bag a vigorous shake. 'If we need more.'

Remus' jaw tightened in the way it always did whenever money was discussed. 'We won't,' he said, darkly, before heading to the bedroom. He called over his shoulder to Sirius, 'I can go to the market for some necessities in a minute. Do you need anything?'

Sirius tipped the coins onto the kitchen counter, turning one onto its side then giving it a flick. He watched it spin, eyes glazing as he pretended he was anywhere but here. Remus' question was benign, but so familiar. Remus would always ask the same thing whenever he went out and Sirius would always give a cheeky response, his answers ranging from silly to pornographic. It hurt his heart to hear Remus ask that question as if it was nothing, as if it hadn't been their ritual, their routine.

As if his time with Sirius had been nothing special.

The coin's dizzying spin slowed and it wobbled, holding position for a moment before it tipped over and rattled to a halt. 'Sirius?'

Sirius looked up, glancing at Remus who had emerged from the bedroom with a fresh shirt and quizzical expression. He snatched up the purse and held it open, sweeping the spilled coins back inside before jamming it into the pocket of his jeans.

'I'll come with you.'

0o0

Sirius' mood lifted as he and Remus walked through the bustling market, rich with the scent of ripe produce and freshly made bread. Remus had obviously been taken aback that Sirius had decided to join him on the shopping trip and remained rattled as they explored the various stalls. Sirius had decided during the short walk through the cobblestone streets that any emotion was better than the brick wall of nothing he had been getting so far and had grown steadily more cheerful as Remus' mood soured.

He smiled at a dark-haired shopkeeper, getting a wink and a unmistakable sales pitch in return. He ran an eye over her wares then approached, dipping his head in greeting as he stuttered out the one phrase he knew. 'Miláte angliká?'

She hesitated - his accent was truly awful - then shook her head, gesturing to the produce for sale then picking up a vividly red tomato and holding it to her nose. Sirius grinned and nodded, the message that the produce was fresh getting through loud and clear. He was squinting at the price ticket, trying to work out if he was getting a bargain or being taken for a ride, when Remus appeared at his side.

'When you can barely speak a word of Greek,' he said in a deceptively calm voice, 'staying with the person who could stop you creating an international incident is advised.' He smiled toothily at the middle-aged woman behind the kiosk then said politely, 'Geia sas.'

The woman replied similarly then pointed to Sirius and said something that made Remus flush and shake his head. 'What did she say?' Sirius asked, propping a hand on his hip and glancing from his blushing ex to the shopkeeper with the mischievous smirk on her lined face.

'Something about you being handsome, I think,' Remus said, (rather evasively, Sirius thought). 'I couldn't really keep up.' He help up a potato and queried the price. A quick exchange punctuated heavily with hand gestures took place before Remus loaded Sirius' arms with fresh produce and dragged him away.

'Stop wandering off,' Remus admonished, tightening his grip on Sirius' arm as if he were a recalcitrant child before he seemed to remember the new tenor of their relationship and quickly released him. Flustered, he brushed his hair away from his forehead then jerked his head to the left. 'Come on. I saw some loaves for sale over here.'

Sirius followed obediently, the corners of his mouth quirking up in a smug smile.

0o0

They returned home and, after putting the food away, Remus excused himself. Sirius spent over an hour flicking through out-of-date magazines he'd found in the kitchen. He couldn't read the text but amused himself by making up stories to go along with the pictures before he decided he should look for the other man; Remus' presence might be oppressive and the conversation stilted, but knowing he was nearby was better than having to skulk around the flat by himself.

He found the other man on the roof, reclining in a beat-up lounger and smoking a joint. When Remus heard the door open, he craned his neck to see who was there, a tentative smile on his face when he realised it was Sirius.

'You got lonely,' he said knowingly, relaxing back into his seat and lifting the joint to his lips. 'Never could stand to be alone for too long, you.'

Irritation itched at Sirius - Remus knew him too well - but he simply hummed as he sank into the spindly chair beside Remus. He held his hand out and wriggled his fingers. 'My turn.'

Remus took a deep drag before passing the joint over. He gazed out over the city, letting tendrils of sweetly scented smoke drift in a steady stream from between his lips. Sirius watched it curl lazily, twisting against the dark sky before dissipating, as he took his own hit and looked out over the city.

'Wow,' he murmured, feeling a little breathless as he stared at the Acropolis. The ruins were all lit up, the lights illuminating the rocky hill atop which they sat. 'It's stunning.'

Remus made a noise of agreement, folding his hands over his stomach as he pressed his body back into the faded padding. 'Always wanted to come here,' he murmured, eyes half-closed. 'Wanted to see the temples.'

Sirius rolled the joint between his thumb and forefinger speculatively then raised it to his mouth. He sat back as he breathed in, swinging his legs up to rest on the barrier between the roof and free-fall. 'You're here now,' he said, offering the remaining stub to Remus, but the other man shook his head. 'You can stop wanting.'

Remus stared unblinkingly at the glowing monument for a long moment then sighed as he hauled himself to his feet. 'I still want,' he said softly, eyes lingering on the Acropolis. 'This isn't what I thought... This...' He sucked his lower lip into his mouth and closed his eyes. Sirius held his breath and waited. 'This isn't what I wanted,' he said finally, shooting Sirius a quick glance before heading for the exit. 'Lock up behind you.'

Sirius took his time finishing the joint, his gaze never once straying from the ancient buildings.

0o0

Sirius rolled onto his stomach and pulled his pillow over his head, trying to block out the noise coming through the open window. It was still indecently early - the sun wasn't even up yet - but the racket from the streets below made it impossible to get back to sleep.

Sirius sighed and pressed his face into the clean cotton sheets Remus had thought to bring with him from London. He'd recognised them right away; thought about throwing a fit and refusing to sleep on them, but he'd had enough of a kip on the couch yesterday to know he wanted to spend as little time as possible on it. He breathed in deeply. The sheets had been washed since they'd graced the bed in their - his - flat, but he imagined he could still smell themembedded in the threads, could still smell the sweat and come and lube that had been his and Remus' combined perfume.

His cock swelled between his belly and the bed, and he rocked his hips. How many times had he been spread out over these sheets just like this - his cock hard and throbbing, body tingling with arousal as Remus fucked him slowly? How many times had he creased the fine fabric with clenching fists as Remus pounded into him? How many times had he playfully fought with Remus over who was going to sleep in the wet spot before one of them recalled they were wizards and cleaned up the mess with a wave of his wand?

Sirius pressed his hips into the bed, biting down on his lip as the friction against his cock took him closer and closer to the edge. He pushed a hand underneath his body, gripping his cock hard and closing his eyes as he remembered sinking inside Remus' body - tight and hot, the muscles clenching and grabbing as the other man gasped through an orgasm - then he was coming all over his fingers, all over the pristine sheets.

There was a knock on the door as he lay there, struggling to breathe through the pleasure of the aftershocks, through the pain of all he'd lost. Sirius lifted his head off the bed and heard Remus' quiet, 'We have to go, Sirius'. The other man's voice caught on his name and Sirius closed his eyes, wondering if Remus had been on the other side of the door scenting Sirius' arousal and touching himself. Remus used to love the way he smelled when he was turned on.

Sirius let his head fall back onto the mattress, remembering how Remus would stare at him from across the room, his eyes dark with lust and promises.

'Sirius?'

'Yeah,' he called, voice rough from sleep and renewed want. 'Yeah, I'm coming.'

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and despondently rubbed a hand over his prickly chin. He had been so busy feeling angry and resentful that it hadn't really dawned on him that this was the way things would be from now on between them – tense, awkward. Oh, things would get easier as the sting of the break up eased, but they'd never be MoonyandPadfoot, RemusandSirius again.

And the knowledge made him want to curl back up in bed and pull the covers over his head.

0o0


	2. 2

When Remus pulled him close as they walked down the street, Sirius' heart skipped a beat and nearly-dead hope sparked. 'Let me do all the talking,' Remus murmured, his breath warm and humid on Sirius' cheek. 'I know the language better, after all, and...'

Sirius tuned out when Remus' cheek brushed against his. He hadn't bothered to shave - Remus had given him a disapproving look but it was better than the impatient tsking that marked every minute he was making them late - and he could hear the rasp of Remus' skin against his thick stubble. It reminded him of playful mornings and steamy nights, and a throb of longing pulsed through him.

'... if he doesn't know you're with me.'

Sirius blinked as Remus' words cut through the wishful fog. 'What?' he asked, stopping abruptly. A man walking behind them had to dodge quickly around them and, although Sirius didn't understand what he snapped at them, the hand gesture was unmistakable. He frowned at Remus. 'What did you say?'

Remus shuffled them off to the side. 'I think it's best he doesn't know you're here,' he said quietly then held up a hand to stay Sirius' predictable objection. 'If he thinks he's being intimidated or bullied, he'll clam up or might not even show his face. This way, he feels more at ease and I have back up if something goes wrong.'

'Why can't I meet with him then, and you keep watch?' Sirius asked.

Remus shot him a look. 'I'm perfectly capable...'

'I know,' Sirius snapped, 'but I can't let you just...'

'You're not letting me do anything,' Remus hissed, his eyes narrowing. 'I know the language better than you, I know how to be inconspicuous - something you've never managed to master, I know how hard to push an informant...'

'Because of all those secret missions you go on for Dumbledore,' Sirius taunted, regretting the jab the instant it came out of his mouth.

Remus pressed his lips together, his breath quickening. 'Yes,' he ground out, scathingly. 'Because this is just like those.' He stepped back, the disgust in his gaze surprising Sirius. 'Just do what I tell you and maybe this mission will end better than my last.'

Before Sirius could ask what he meant, Remus was striding down the street, leaving Sirius to scurry after him like a disobedient puppy yet again.

0o0

'He's so... young,' Sirius said two hours later, a scowl on his face as he slammed the door of the flat behind them. He didn't add and fucking hot because he was pretty sure by the way Remus had smiled and flirted that he'd noticed how attractive their informant was. 'And what do we know about him? He could be setting us up.'

'Lukas is twenty-six, Dumbledore said, which you'd know if you'd read the dossier he provided,' Remus replied, dumping his jacket on the kitchen counter then opening the fridge. 'Older than us.'

'And what kind of name is Lukas anyway?' Sirius sneered derisively, glaring at Remus.

Remus rolled his eyes then bent to gather sandwich ingredients from the bottom of the fridge while Sirius paced the living room. 'We know he's a good friend of someone Dumbledore trusts implicitly.' He stood and bumped the fridge door with his hip, letting it swing shut, then looked at Sirius pointedly. 'And I still believe Dumbledore when he tells me to trust him.'

Sirius took the jab with little grace. His lips tightened and his hands fisted by his sides as his hackles rose. 'Some of us aren't willing to blindly trust whatever comes out of Dumbledore's mouth,' he snapped. 'Some of us like to think for ourselves.'

Remus dumped the armful of salad vegetables on the counter, the flaring of his nostrils the only outward sign of anger that this old argument was rearing up once again. 'You think my trust in Dumbledore is ill-placed?'

'I think you just go along with whatever he tells you to do, never rocking the boat or considering that he could be wrong.' The old resentment burst into life again, and Sirius found himself as angry as he had been when their relationship was falling apart in his hands. 'I understand you felt indebted to him while you were at school, but you're a fucking adult now, Remus. Grow some goddamn balls!'

Remus stared down at the counter for a long moment before raising his gaze. Sirius tried not to flinch at the burning fury in those usually gentle blue eyes. 'You think gratitude brought Dumbledore my loyalty? You think I just go wherever he sends me without question? Without knowing what it might cost me to follow his orders? You... Merlin, you really don't think much of me, do you?'

The expression of bone-deep hurt on Remus' face cut Sirius to the core, stealing the rest of his diatribe from his lips. Remus shook his head, a blank mask replacing the pain. He snatched up his coat and shrugged it on, seeming to curl in on himself. Sirius hated those hunched shoulders, the way Remus drew inward to protect himself from someone he should never have needed protection from. He opened his mouth to say something - anything - to take away the hurt he'd caused, but Remus brushed past him, heading for the door.

He hesitated with his hand on the door knob then half-turned back. 'Dumbledore is the only person alive who has never betrayed my trust in him. He's never given me reason to doubt him, and he has never doubted me or my loyalty.' He raised his eyes, glistening with some guarded emotion. 'I'm going for a walk.'

He left quietly as the parting dart hit its mark. As the door closed behind Remus, Sirius spun around and kicked one of the kitchen stools as hard as he could across the room.

0o0

It was nearly twilight and Sirius was on the roof when he saw Remus arrive home. He peered down at the street, watching Remus hesitate outside the block of flats, bracing himself as if preparing for battle then determinedly push open the door. Sirius sighed and threw the butt of his cigarette over the edge, fumbling in his pocket for the carton.

Sometimes he wondered if Black blood came with a curse. No one in his family lived happily ever after. His parents - miserable together. Regulus - dead before he had a proper chance to live. Bellatrix and Narcissa - married to weak-willed men who were attracted to the Black name and money rather than the woman. Even the good ones - Uncle Alphard, Andromeda – had traveled a rocky road.

Maybe he wasn't meant to have a happy ending? Maybe the end had been written before he and Remus had even begun. Sirius worried his lower lip as he stared out over Thiseio, an unlit cigarette dangling, forgotten, between his fingers. Perhaps blood would always win out, no matter what House he was Sorted into, or what side he took in the battle. He would always be a Black, no matter how hard he tried to deny his legacy, no matter how desperately he wanted to be different.

A breath shuddered from his lungs and he searched for his lighter, finding it and lighting his cigarette with trembling fingers. Remus had always made him feel like a better person, had made him want to be a better person. Sirius rubbed the heel of his free hand hard across his forehead. Now he had no one to believe in him, what was stopping him from turning into a proper Black?

'I shouldn't have brought that up again.'

Sirius started, dropping the cigarette as he spun around. 'Shit, Remus,' he breathed, his heart pounding. 'I should put a bell on you.'

Remus smiled weakly and walked slowly across the roof top to stand beside Sirius. 'You taught me how to be stealthy so I could sneak into the Hogwarts kitchens for you,' he said, hands in his jeans pockets as he gazed out towards the Acropolis. 'You've only yourself to blame.'

'Yeah,' Sirius muttered wryly, bending to pick up the cigarette, giving it a perfunctory wipe over before sticking it between his lips. He took a drag, feeling the smoke fill his lungs then let it out as he said, 'You told me you'd forgiven me for Snape.'

Remus gave a one-shouldered shrug. 'Doesn't mean I've forgotten,' he said. 'But I still shouldn't have thrown it back in your face.'

Sirius shook his head and spoke around the cigarette. 'I deserved it.'

'No, you didn't.'

They both stood side-by-side as the last of the sun's rays faded. The sky was a clear blue-grey and the white stone columns of the Parthenon was bright against the darkening horizon. As they watched, the lights flickered on, gleaming off the structure and painting the eroded outcrop with a golden glow.

'We should go,' Sirius said, breaking the silence. 'To the temple, I mean.' He glanced at Remus, surprised to see the other man looking at him. He smiled a tight, closed-mouth smile. 'Since we're here.'

Remus searched his face then gave a short nod. 'Yeah,' he said softly. 'I'd like that.' He returned the smile then turned away. 'I'm going to get dinner ready.'

Sirius held up his cigarette, flicking some ash over the edge of the building as he did. 'I'll be down to help in a minute.'

Remus raised a hand in response before he set off down the stairs. Sirius watched him until he was swallowed up by the shadowy staircase then turned back to finish his cigarette as he stared thoughtfully down at the lit up city below.

Maybe Remus still believed in him. Maybe his blood hadn't completely corrupted him just yet.

0o0

'What are you doing?'

Sirius smiled at Remus who was staring muzzily at him from the kitchen doorway. The other man's hair was sticking up at odd angles, his eyes still glazed from sleep and face creased with lines from his pillow. A wave of longing washed over Sirius. He'd always thought Remus was at his most adorable in the mornings - so soft from sleep and sweetly pliable. It brought to mind memories of gentle touches, slow thrusting, languid kissing.

He missed that.

Remus rubbed his eyes, and Sirius chuckled.'You're not seeing things,' he said cheerfully, flipping the pancake and listening to the batter sizzle on the hot pan. 'I am cooking.'

'And nothing has caught fire.'

Sirius gave him a baleful glare. 'That was once,' he said, pouting as he set two plates and cutlery on the bench beside a bottle of syrup. 'And that was eggs. Eggs burn easy. I'm good with pancakes.'

Remus arched an eyebrow but said nothing. He scratched at his belly through his plain white t-shirt and leaned against the door frame, watching Sirius add the pancake to the stack on the plate by the stove. 'Any particular reason you've decided to show off your culinary skills this morning?' he asked.

Sirius turned off the burner and placed the plate of pancakes on the kitchen counter. He pulled up a stool and plunked himself down, gesturing to Remus to join him. 'I thought we might need our strength today,' he said then, when he saw the confusion on Remus' face, he added, 'The Acropolis? Thought you wanted to see it.'

'Today?' Remus sat down opposite Sirius, spearing a pancake with his fork and transferring it to his plate.

He swallowed quickly and nodded. 'Why not? You don't have to meet Lukas...' He put as much disdain into the name as possible, getting another raised eyebrow from Remus, 'until tomorrow. We can't just sit here playing with ourselves all day...'

'I would have thought that would be right up there on your list of favourite activities, actually.'

'... so why not explore the city?' Sirius finished. He pointed his fork - complete with piece of pastry - at the other man. 'And you never used to complain about me playing with myself.'

'That's because I got to watch,' Remus said, dragging a bite of pancake through a pool of syrup.

'You could still...'

'Don't.'

The splintered edge in Remus' voice dissolved the playful atmosphere instantly. Sirius forced the mouthful of food down his suddenly dry throat. 'Remus, I... Sorry. I... forget sometimes...'

Remus' fork clattered onto the plate and his stool scraped along the floor as he stood. 'Lucky you,' he said, voice low. Sirius opened his mouth to respond as Remus took his plate to the sink and ran the water, but Remus got in first. 'If we're going, we should get a move on. It doesn't look it, but it's a decent walk.'

Sirius brought his plate over, dumping it beside the sink. He leaned forward, peering out the tiny kitchen window towards the temple. 'Why don't we just Apparate there?' he whined, giving his plate a little shove in annoyance at the thought of the walk ahead.

'Because it's not always about the destination,' Remus snapped, turning suddenly intense eyes on him. 'When will you learn that you miss important things when you take the short cut?'

Sirius was baffled by the change in mood, but he could sense an insult in Remus' cryptic words. He narrowed his eyes. 'What does that mean?'

Remus shrugged. 'You just... always preferred doing things the easy way.'

'That's bullshit!' Sirius cried defensively.

'Is it?' Remus' lips tightened. 'You always looked at my essays because you couldn't be arsed to do the work. You flip to the last chapter of a book because you're too impatient to read it all. You skip right to the end of a relationship because it's too much like hard work when things don't go as expected.'

Sirius blinked, stunned. 'So our break up wasn't to do with you keeping secrets but some pathological inability to follow through on my part?' Sirius said in disbelief. 'You've got to be fucking joking.'

'It wasn't working between us, but instead of staying and fighting for me, for us, you gave up and ended it. You took the easy way out.'

'You've got a short memory,' Sirius said bitterly. 'You were packed up when I got home. You're the one that left!

'You left our relationship long before I moved out, Sirius. You chose not to trust me. You chose to simply take everyone else's word that I was a traitor.'

'What did you want me to do, Remus? You wouldn't talk to me. I begged you to tell me it wasn't true, and you still wouldn't just talk to me...'

'You shouldn't have needed to ask!' Remus shouted. 'Out of everyone, you were the one person who never should have needed to ask if I was betraying you. You were the one person who just should have known I would never hurt any of you.'

'You wouldn't talk to me!'

'You should have trusted me!'

They were both breathing heavily, chins jutting, eyes burning, as they stood chest to chest. Sirius felt his heart thumping in his chest. It was like they were taking one step forward just to stumble two steps back and, for the first time, he was forced to consider that this might be it for them. That there was nothing - not the tattered remnants of their relationship, not the threads of what had once been a strong friendship - left to save.

And he couldn't bear it.

With a low growl, he grabbed the back of Remus' head and pulled him into a desperate kiss. Remus resisted, shoving at Sirius' cotton-clad chest and making him stumble back against the wall. He stared at Remus, unable to tear his eyes from the other man's mouth, red and swollen from Sirius' kiss. Remus licked his lips, great heaving breaths making his chest rise and fall rapidly then, with a strangled sound of supplication, he launched himself at Sirius.

Their mouths came together in a violent, furious kiss. Remus' teeth sank into Sirius' lower lip, pulling on the flesh until Sirius tasted blood, then lashing his tongue over the wound. Sirius fought back, forcing his tongue inside Remus' mouth and crowing internally when he dragged a guttural groan from the other man's lips. They were still fighting, just not with words, but Sirius was hard - so hard - already and, even though he knew he'd regret this, knew this was a poor parody of what they used to have together, he couldn't stop himself because Gods, he wanted this again. So badly.

His hands fumbled from Remus' shoulders to his arse, pulling him close until their hips clashed. He rocked forward, gasping when Remus' length pressed against his. His hands slid around to push inside Remus' pajama pants, closing around Remus' prick and giving it a rough stroke. Remus moaned into Sirius' mouth and bucked his hips, his cock squeezing through the tight ring of Sirius' fingers.

Remus yanked at the drawstring on Sirius' sweatpants, shoving them down to mid-thigh then rutting urgently into Sirius' grip as he impatiently pushed his own pants out of the way. They bunched at mid-thigh and he pressed closer, shoving at Sirius' pumping fist. Sirius took the hint, releasing Remus then biting down hard on Remus' lip as their naked cocks collided and heated skin rubbed deliciously. Sirius whimpered as the wiry hair at the base of Remus' shaft teased the head of his cock, his foreskin tugging and sliding as he thrust against Remus' belly.

They surged and rocked frantically, both holding on to the other as if they were the only thing anchoring them to the earth. Sirius' head was spinning, his laboured breaths loud, but he didn't pull back from the deep, fervent kiss because if this was the last time, he wanted to remember how Remus tasted, to keep it on his tongue for as long as he could. He gathered each and every whimper and moan and gasp he drew from Remus and hid it away in his heart, all the while trying to hold back his own because Remus already owned too much of him. He couldn't give him anything more.

'Sirius,' Remus hissed, his fingers bruising Sirius' hips as warmth flooded between them and, as always, watching Remus come apart sent Sirius careening over the edge. He arched into Remus as bitter-sweet pleasure throbbed through him and he wanted to laugh and cry and for this moment to never end because when it did, he'd lose Remus all over again and it would hurt all over again.

Sure enough, before Sirius had even caught his breath, Remus was pulling away with a look of horror that sent pain lancing through Sirius. 'Oh, fuck,' Remus mumbled, wiping his soiled hand on his shirt as he tugged his pajama pants back into place. 'What did we do?'

Sirius leaned back against the wall, his eyes closed. He didn't want to hear recriminations, didn't want to see regret in Remus' eyes. He curled his come-slick fingers into a fist and banged the back of his head against the wall once, twice...

'What did you do that for?' Remus asked, voice breaking as the volume rose. Sirius just shook his head. 'Sirius!'

His eyes shot open when he felt Remus' hands twisting in his shirt and met the other man's incensed gaze. 'Why did you kiss me?' Remus growled, shaking him like a rag doll. 'You fucking bastard! Why couldn't you just leave me alone?'

Sirius' hands came up to bracelet Remus' wrists, but the other man pulled away like he was burned. 'Don't,' he yelled, face contorting in anger and frustration. 'Why the hell did he send me here with you, of all people!' He spun around, storming to the other side of the room before turning sharply and stalking back to poke his finger into Sirius' chest. 'I was doing fine! I was trying, and I thought that I might be alright, and then he sent me here with you...'

His breath juddered from between his lips and he raked a hand through his hair as he turned away. 'I can't do this,' he said, almost to himself, but Sirius heard the quiet words. 'I can't lose you again.'

Sirius closed his eyes again, his whole body aching as the softly-spoken words sliced through him. He heard the sound of Remus' footsteps as he retreated then slid down the wall, pulling his legs in tight to his chest then burying his face in his hands.

And he cried.


	3. 3

Sirius exhaled sharply, blowing his hair away from his face. He stared in awe up at the stone pillars of the Parthenon, tentatively reaching out to touch the sun-warmed stone. Laying his palm on the pillar, his skin tingled at the thought of the history steeped in the ruins. He slowly walked around the temple, admiring the detail in the architecture then found a quiet spot in the mild mid-afternoon sun and sat, looking out over the city.

Remus would have loved this.

Sirius had walked all the way. Made his way through markets and streets lined with cafés and restaurants, and a pretty park at the base of the Acropolis before stumping up the great bloody mountainso he could be right here. He'd taken the long road rather than the short cut but, without Remus, the destination wasn't worth the journey.

He wondered if this was what his life was going to be like now he'd run Remus off for good. He was sitting beside one of the most famous structures in the world, and everything was a little less bright, a little less beautiful, a little less wondrous because one twenty-year-old werewolf wasn't by his side.

0o0

There was a tawny owl on the top of the fridge when he finally got back to the flat. Sirius blinked at it, startled, and the owl stared insolently back before it turned to Remus, who was sitting at the kitchen counter, hastily scribbling on a piece of parchment.

'Dumbledore is worried,' Remus said, without looking up. 'There was an ambush during a mission yesterday.'

'Who was it?' Sirius hissed urgently, gut clenching as he recognised the dark edge of grief in Remus' voice. 'James? Peter? Lily?'

'They're all fine,' Remus told him, glancing up at him for a moment before averting his gaze once more. 'It was Marlene.'

Sirius' blood ran cold, and he sank down onto the other stool. 'Fuck,' he whispered. Marlene. Marlene was vibrant and clever and told jokes that made even Sirius blush and, now, she was dead.

'How...?'

Remus' quill paused then he scrawled his signature and rolled the parchment up. 'It was the spy,' he said blandly, calling the owl over with a soft whistle. He concentrated on tying the scroll to the owl's leg as he continued. 'The Order meeting organising the mission was held just hours before they left and there was a group of Death Eaters waiting for them when they arrived. They'd been set up.'

Sirius watched as Remus tied the leather strap then stood, walking across the kitchen to open the window over the sink. The owl hooted discontentedly, obviously annoyed at not receiving a treat, then whacked Remus across the face with a wing in admonishment as he took flight.

Sirius clenched his jaw, his stomach in knots. Remus' unspoken message had been received loud and clear. Remus was in Athens with Sirius, not sitting in on emergency Order meetings and setting up his friends for Lord Voldemort.

Remus - whom he'd decried both in private and in public, whom he'd driven away with his accusations and insinuations - wasn't the spy.

'Remus...' he croaked out.

'I don't want to hear it,' Remus snapped as he turned back to Sirius, face tense and pale. 'We just need to finish what we need to do then get back to do what we can to help them.'

'I need to...'

'I don't give a fuck what you need to do!' Remus yelled, eyes glittering with a glut of emotions. 'I needed you to believe me. I needed you to support me and stand up for me and tell everyone who was looking at me like I was a monster that I would never do anything to hurt you all. I needed you to do that, Sirius, and you didn't! You agreedwith them. You told me you loved me and condemned me in the same breath.'

'I...'

'So what I need you to do right now, is to keep the hell away from me. Don't look at me, don't smile at me, don't bloody touch me because I am fucking weakwhen it comes to you, because I would - even after everything - let you look at me and smile at me and touch me. And I don't want to let you get back under my skin because I don't want to have to get over you again.'

'It could be different,' Sirius insisted, grabbing Remus' flailing hand. 'Icould be different.'

'You didn't believe in me,' Remus hissed, tearing his hand from Sirius' grasp. 'I alwaysbelieved in you, Sirius, but you couldn't believe in me.'

'I love you. I love you, Remus. So much. I'm sorry. You know what I'm like, You know how hard it is for me to trust anyone.'

'I was your friend. I was your lover. We lived together.'

'I never saw you! In the last year, I've barely seen you and when I asked what you've been doing, you were evasive. You were evasive and you hid things from me - injuries, notes, photographs. Things I had to find out about from other people. Why couldn't you tell me about what you were doing?'

'Dumbledore...'

'I spoke to Dumbledore!' Sirius shouted, watching Remus take a step back in surprise. 'He told me he never said you couldn't tell me, just to be circumspect with the information.'

Remus stared at him for a long moment then said very deliberately, 'I wasbeing circumspect.'

Sirius frowned, puzzled, then Remus' meaning sank in. 'So, you didn't trust me, either?' he whispered, hurt spearing through him at the revelation. 'You didn't trust me enough to tell me.'

'Everything I told you, you told James. Everything, Sirius. And James tells Lily and Peter, and...' He shook his head helplessly. 'So, no. I couldn't trust you to keep your mouth shut. I couldn't trust you to believe me over the others if I told you I suspected one of them was the spy. I couldn't trust you to choose meif it came down to it. And, as it turns out, I was right. Because you didn't choose me in the end, did you?'

Sirius flinched as the barb hit home. Remus sighed, rubbing the quill's feather between his thumb and forefinger. 'We meet with Lukas again tomorrow. Dumbledore needs us back as soon as possible but he needs that information more. He thinks it might hold the key to Voldemort's plans.'

Sirius just nodded. Remus studied him then tossed the quill onto the counter. 'So we keep our heads down today, meet Lukas tomorrow, then go home,' he summarised. 'Then we can get on with our lives.'

Sirius nodded again, completely deflated by their argument. 'If that's what you want,' he whispered hoarsely.

Remus looked stricken then turned to the sink, busying himself with washing a coffee cup while Sirius quietly walked down the hall to the bathroom and shut the door very quietly behind him.

0o0

Sirius sat at the side walk café, one hand wrapped around a coffee cup, the other beating an impatient tattoo against the tabletop. His eyes flicked up and down the street; it was busy for mid-morning on a week day. Across the street and halfway down the block, he could see the back of Remus' head. It was bobbing up and down in agreement with something the dark-haired man opposite him was saying.

Sirius clicked his tongue in annoyance at being kept out of the loop. Oh, he could see the tactical advantage in what Remus had suggested, but he hated just sitting here waiting while Remus was in the thick of it. It reminded him too starkly of all those days and nights sitting at home while Remus was off on those secret missions for Dumbledore that Peter was always saying sounded a bit odd because none of the rest of them had to keep their activities secret. He'd felt so utterly useless, just like now...

He stilled as realisation burst bright and sharp in his mind. Professor Vectra - their old Muggle Studies teacher - used to call this kind of revelation a 'light bulb moment'; that moment where everything that had seemed so senseless suddenly coalesced and made perfect sense.

During their final, explosive argument, he'd railed at Remus about his lack of honesty and the broken trust between them; he'd raged about Remus' infrequent visits home, about his preoccupation once he was there. He'd dumped all his anger and frustration on Remus' shoulders, but he realised now that it was really fear driving him. Fear at not being able to do more to protect one of the only precious things he had left. It had been his own feeling of impotence that had driven a wedge between them, that had made one of his greatest fears - losing Remus - become reality.

And he couldn't be more fucking ashamed of himself for putting all the blame on Remus and his absences and secrecy. He deserved better than how Sirius had treated him. He didn't blame the other man for not wanting him back, for wanting to move on with his life. He frowned at Lukas, who was grinning at Remus. Remus was an attractive man. He'd find someone else, someone who deserved him, who trusted him and that he could trust in return. Someone he could love as much as he deserved to be loved.

And it would break Sirius' heart.

Sirius blinked rapidly against the tears stinging his eyes and swallowed hard. He tapped a cigarette out of the battered carton and lit it with a shaking hand. He'd lost him. He'd really, truly lost him.

He glanced across the street again and saw Lukas and Remus stand. He sat up attentively, watching as they shook hands, Lukas expertly passing a small vial which Remus palmed just as professionally. They nodded to each other then Remus edged around the table and headed down the street towards Sirius, nonchalantly stuffing his hands in his pockets as he went.

Sirius threw what was probably far too many coins on the table then stubbed out his cigarette. He hung back, letting Remus get half a block ahead of him before he followed, which is how he saw the two cloaked figures detach themselves from a market stall and trail after Remus.

His skin prickled with foreboding, his hand moving on instinct to the wand holster on his belt. He couldn't risk a Patronus to warn Remus, not in a street full of Muggles, but if he led the Death Eaters right to their flat...

Sirius made a fast decision. He ducked into a doorway and prayed no one was watching as he Disapparated. He appeared a few metres in front of Remus, the other man halting and staring at him in surprise.

'Shield!' he shouted, wand already in his hand.

All the hours of defensive training they'd done with Mad Eye Moody paid off in one single moment. Remus reacted instinctively to the cry, his shield spell already in place when the first curses rained down on him. Sirius cast his own spell, the jet of red light missing the taller of their attackers and ricocheting off the rendered wall of a café There were screams as the Muggles around them realised the danger, then confusion reigned as the morning shoppers ran for their lives.

Sirius ducked a Body Bind spell and managed to seize hold of Remus' arm just as a Cutting Hex made contact. He yelled in pain as fire seared across his bicep, his blood splattering the paved street below. Remus screamed his name then furiously directed a volley of curses towards the Death Eaters, casting a powerful shield spell around himself and Sirius just as an Anti-Apparition spell came hurtling towards them. It bounced off the shield, smashing pottery on a nearby stall.

Sirius tightened his grip on Remus' arm and concentrated on their Thiseio flat. The protective shields fell and Sirius felt the familiar disorientating swirl of Apparition but not before a yellow stream of light struck Remus, who immediately went limp in Sirius' arms.

0o0


	4. 4

Sirius fell to his knees on the wooden floor of their temporary home, gasping for breath as the dizzying sensation of the fast Apparition and the burning in his arm combined to knock him off balance. His eyes fell upon Remus - prone and lifeless on the floor beside him - and his heart stopped.

'Remus?' he whispered, flattening his hand over Remus' chest. He rubbed roughly, trying to get a reaction. 'Remus!'

He clutched the other man's shoulders in panic, shaking him vigorously. 'Remus! Gods, please, Remus...' His breath rushed from his lungs when Remus stirred, his eyelashes fluttering weakly. 'Thank Merlin. Remus, what can I do?'

Remus simply moaned, and Sirius pressed his lips together, trying not to let the hysteria welling up inside him escape. He closed his eyes, frantically searching his memory for the name of the curse.

Yellow light. Yellow light. Infractus! That wasn't a lethal spell. It must be the pain on top of the Apparition that made him pass out.

He pushed Remus' shirt up to his armpits and cast a diagnostic spell Moody had insisted they all learn for field healing. He winced when several of Remus' ribs glowed red, indicating a fracture or break. Sirius glanced up at Remus' face. He was still not quite conscious and Sirius briefly cupped his cheek.

'I'm sorry, love,' he whispered before murmuring, 'Brakium Emendo'. There was a horrifying crack as Remus' bones realigned, and Remus awoke with a howl of agony.

'I'm sorry,' Sirius said over Remus' pained cries. He held Remus down to prevent any further injury to his ribs. 'I'm so sorry, Remus, but they needed fixing.'

Remus slumped onto the floor, eyes wide with shock. He was breathing heavily and his face was grey, but the pain appeared to be subsiding. Sirius combed his fingers through Remus' hair and Remus leaned into the touch, both of them finding the familiar gesture soothing to their frayed nerves. Remus' gaze flicked over Sirius, a worried frown flickering across his face. 'You... blood,' he rasped, brushing his fingers over Sirius' forearm. 'You're hurt.'

'It's just a scratch,' Sirius said, shoving his shirt sleeve out of the way to peer at the wound. He touched the tip of his wand to the cut. 'See? Episkey.' The edges of the jagged tear knitted back together. It wasn't a good job - there would be a scar - but it would do. He smiled at Remus, trying to make it reassuring, but fearing it came off grim. 'Fixed.'

'Gotta do some wards,' Remus said, trying to sit up then clutching at his ribs breathlessly when he moved. 'Godric, that fucking hurts.'

'I'll do the wards,' Sirius said hastily, standing on still-wobbly legs. 'We'll need to send a Patronus to Dumbledore as well. We need to get out of here.'

'I'll...'

'No you won't,' Sirius said, narrowing his eyes. 'You will rest, or you won't be able to travel home.'

Remus looked very much like he wanted to object, and it said a lot about the level of his pain that he didn't. Sirius could feel his eyes following him as he murmured the melodic spells of protection, embedding them into the very bricks and mortar of the building. As he worked, his mind whirled.

Why weren't they using Unforgivables? Death Eaters never pull their punches. Unless they didn't want to kill us. They just wanted to disable us, stop us escaping, but not kill us. They wanted us alive. For information about the Order? Or to stop us returning with the information we had?

Either way, their presence meant that they knew members of the Order were here. And there were only a few people who knew about this mission, who could have told them their location.

Shit.

Stomach churning sickeningly at the turns his mind was taking, Sirius took no chances with their safety. He cast every protective spell he could think of then made his way back to Remus, who'd managed to prop himself up against the wall. He knelt beside the other man, smoothing sweat-damp hair away from his face. Remus was regaining some colour and breathing easily, and the smile he bestowed upon Sirius was less strained.

'Better?' Sirius asked softly, and Remus nodded. Sirius let the backs of his fingers skim along Remus' jaw before he remembered himself and snatched his hand away. 'I'll send the Patronus. Tell Dumbledore we got the memory...'

Remus' eyes widened, and Sirius felt a thrill of fear. 'Oh, Gods,' he whispered in horror. 'Is it alright?'

Remus was already fumbling in his pocket for the vial, and Sirius held his breath until he pulled it from its confines. Intact. They both slumped in relief, and Sirius said a quick, silent thank you for Unbreakable Charms.

He took a deep breath and focused on the memory he used to create his Patronus. It was always the same one: his first time making love with Remus; a time when he was excited and exhilarated and so much in love it hurt. A silvery wolf burst from his wand, and he stared at it sadly before clearing his throat and barking out a terse message. He ordered the wolf to find Dumbledore and watched as it darted away.

He chanced a glance at Remus, surprised that he was eyeing the departing Patronus as well, his face a picture of misery. 'I hate this,' he said suddenly, startling Sirius. 'I hate being without you.'

A lump lodged in Sirius' throat. He didn't know what to say, didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing, not if there was a chance... He moved carefully, sinking to the ground and leaning back against the wall opposite Remus. He waited for Remus to elaborate, but the other man's jaw was tightly clenched, and he looked as if he regretted allowing even that small show of emotion to escape.

Sirius sighed shakily and picked at the drying blood on his shirt. He didn't know how to fix this distance and tension between them, didn't know how to put them back together. The one thing that still worked - that had always worked - for them was the one thing he didn't dare use, not after Remus' reaction to the fast and dirty hand job the other day. He pointed his wand at the bloody stain and murmured a cleaning spell. It took three to lift all the blood from the fabric then he repaired the ragged tear.

'Your mending spells have gotten better.'

Sirius gave Remus a quick smile. 'I never needed to be good at them because you were,' he said, his voice shaded with melancholy. 'I never really thought there would be a time you wouldn't be there to fix the things I broke.' The beginnings of a frown deepened the lines around Remus' mouth, and Sirius hastily added, 'Which is completely my own fault, I know, and I'm trying. I'm trying to fix this, Remus.'

Remus worried his lower lip. 'Some things can't be fixed,' he murmured.

'Maybe,' Sirius agreed, heart sinking a little, 'but I've broken something precious to me this time, and I'm not giving up on it without one hell of a fight.'

Remus scowled. 'So now you know I'm not the spy, you want to fix this? Fix us?'

'I've always wanted to fix us,' Sirius insisted. 'I... I was a prick. I was a complete and utter bastard. I let my trust issues come between us, but you have some responsibility here as well, Remus.'

Remus arched an incredulous eyebrow. 'You think?' he snapped. 'Let's see. I was out alone on missions that could have killed me, away from my home, my friends, and the man I loved. I couldn't tell you about it because you can't keep your big trap shut, and you took offence because you weren't the centre of all my fucking attention for a change.'

'It wasn't like...'

'You got all pissy because, despite the fact I've never once betrayed you, you didn't trust me not to be blabbing everything to Voldemort the first chance I got,' a furious Remus continued. 'I told you over and over that I wasn't the spy, but you took that as an admission of guilt and turned on me.' He glared daggers at Sirius who'd paled during his tirade. 'What part of all of that was my fault, again?'

'You knew how hard it was for me to trust,' Sirius whispered, voice trembling. 'You knew and you still kept secrets from me. Gods, Remus, do you really think I would've told anyone? You think I would have risked your life like that? I loved you! I loveyou. I would never want to hurt you.'

He rubbed a hand over his face, surreptitiously wiping moisture from the corners of his eyes. 'It was the lies,' he said hoarsely, head in his hands. 'It was catching you in all those little lies about where you'd been and who you'd been seeing that got under my skin, and I could hear my mother in my head, laughing at me, telling me that you could never love someone like me, someone that had caused you so much pain already. And we kept getting ambushed mission after mission, and you were never there, and I felt so utterly useless. The others started talking... and I was scared. I was so scared that it was true that I madeit true, and I turned on you before you could crush me completely by turning on me.'

'You didn't trust me.'

Sirius finally looked up. 'You didn't trust me either.'

Remus exhaled, the breath shuddering from his lips as he stared at Sirius with eyes filled with pain. They were both quiet, tremulous breathing the only sound in the narrow hall, then Remus said softly, 'We're not good for each other.'

Sirius shook his head. 'No.'

'All we do is tear each other apart.'

'Yep.'

Remus sniffled and swiped his hand across his eyes. 'I still love you.'

Sirius stifled a sob in his throat. 'You know I love you.'

They were silent again, Sirius waiting and hoping. Minutes that felt like hours passed, Remus gnawing on his bottom lip and eyes glazed as he stared at the blank wall to the side of Sirius' head. Finally, his eyes flicked towards Sirius.

'It'll be ages before Dumbledore's reply can get here,' he said, and Sirius nodded an agreement. Remus inhaled deeply. 'I think you should take me to bed.'

Sirius scrambled to his feet, brushing off the back of his jeans before holding out a hand to Remus. 'You should get some rest,' he said with a crooked smile. 'I hope he'll send a Portkey; I don't think you'll be strong enough to Apparate all that way alone...'

Remus took his hand, and Sirius hauled him upright, steadying him when he wavered. Sirius' hand lingered over Remus' for a long moment before he went to pull away, but Remus held on. 'No,' he said, fingertips stroking over the inside of Sirius' wrist and gazing meaningfully at him. 'You should take me to bed.'

Sirius' breath left his lungs in a juddering rush as Remus' meaning sank in. Blood rushed to fill his cock, his body and heart rejoicing that Remus wanted this. But his head - his stupid, bloody head - chose that moment to be safe and sensible. He clutched Remus' hand, bringing it to his mouth to brush his lips across Remus' knuckles, and said, 'I don't think we should.'

Remus flinched and tried to jerk his hand away, but Sirius wouldn't release him. 'Not because I don't want to,' he said hurriedly. 'Remus...' He forced Remus' hand lower, pressing his palm against the strident erection already tenting the heavy denim of his jeans. Remus stopped struggling, moaning softly as his fingers curled around the bulging ridge. Sirius bit his lip at the feel of Remus' hand on him then shook himself. 'We were always good at this,' he whispered, trying not to thrust into Remus' touch. 'This wasn't the part of us that was broken.'

'No,' Remus agreed, shifting closer. Sirius grit his teeth as Remus hooked his fingers into his belt loops and pulled Sirius against him, their hard cocks colliding. 'We always communicated best like this, didn't we?' He pressed his forehead against Sirius', their noses bumping gently. 'Even if we can't fix the rest, I don't want for it to have ended the way it did. If we can't fix it, this is the goodbye I want to remember.'

Sirius' resolve to do this properly wavered then, when Remus brushed his mouth over his, he gave in, reaching for Remus and cupping his face as he kissed him with a desperation he could taste. Remus' breath caught audibly in his throat, and he slid his hand over Sirius' stomach to clutch at the front of his shirt, drawing him in so they were pressed together so closely not a breath of air could pass between them.

Remus' lips parted, and Sirius immediately plunged his tongue inside, pulling every single trick out of the box to make this perfect because this was make or break. Remus tipped his head to the side and the kiss deepened, Remus' tongue stroking and teasing until Sirius' knees were shaking. His hands fell to Remus' shoulders, thumbs searching out the curve of his clavicle through his shirt. One hand still twisted in Sirius' shirt, Remus shifted the other to the small of Sirius' back, holding him near as he manoeuvred them towards the back of the flat.

The kiss had turned frantic by the time they reached the bedroom, their hands shoving urgently at the layers between them. Their breathing was ragged, and they were shaking with the force of their need. When their shirts dropped to the ground, Sirius pulled Remus in, whimpering helplessly at the sensation of bare skin dragging roughly against more bare skin. Remus laid wet, open-mouthed kisses on Sirius' skin - from the corner of his mouth to the base of his throat, his fingers deftly unfastening Sirius' jeans as his tongue lapped at the sheen of sweat in the delicate hollow.

Sirius pulled Remus' belt from its loops, leather hissing over denim, then let it drop to the floor with a clunk. Remus' teeth grazed Sirius' clavicle as he trailed kisses over his shoulder then Sirius moaned softly as Remus pushed his jeans and pants out of the way, his cock bouncing free. Sirius slid his hands over Remus' arse, catching the other man's jeans as he did and shoving them down to bunch under his buttocks. They slid easily over Remus' narrow hips, allowing his cock to slip from its confines and bat against Sirius'. Remus made a little gasping noise against Sirius' skin and lifted his head, gazing at Sirius with eyes dark with desire before he caught his lips in a hungry kiss.

They fell back onto the bed, the springs protested loudly and making them both laugh into each others' mouths as they kicked their jeans off. As soon as his feet were free of fabric, Sirius wrapped his legs around Remus' hips and arched his back off the mattress. 'Oh, Gods,' he whispered as their cocks pressed together, his foreskin sliding tantalisingly over stone hard flesh. 'You feel... oh, you feel so good.'

Remus groaned out an agreement, planting sucking kisses along Sirius' jaw, all the way to his ear. 'I missed you,' he confided, voice hitching as he rolled his hips. 'Missed you so much, Pads.'

A shudder rocketed through Sirius, starting in his toes and cascading through his entire body. They hadn't called each other by their nicknames since well before their parting and he'd forgotten just how erotic it sounded when Remus said it in that deep, raspy tone. He couldn't stop his hips from bucking, pre-come dripping down his shaft, over his belly, as he clutched at the other man. 'Say it again,' he begged, fingers biting into Remus' sides.

Remus smiled and nipped at Sirius' earlobe. 'I want to fuck you, Padfoot.'

Sirius cried out, prick slapping wetly against Remus' belly as he arched up and, to his utter mortification, came hard all over Remus' cock. He wanted to scream in frustration, even as he was racked with intense sensation, his body eking out every last second of pleasure. 'Fuck,' he breathed, throwing his head back. 'Damn it.'

Remus stilled against him, nuzzling his neck patiently as Sirius clung. As the aftershocks began to fade, Sirius' grip loosened and a half-laugh/half-sob burst from his lips. 'I'm sorry,' he said, disappointment overwhelming him as his eyes filled with tears of embarrassment and dismay. 'I'm sorry.'

Remus shushed him, lifting his head to press a tender kiss to Sirius' swollen lips. 'It's alright,' he murmured, tongue lashing lightly at the corner of Sirius' mouth. 'I recall very vividly how short your refractory period is. I'll just amuse myself while I wait.'

He kissed each of Sirius' eyelids gently before slithering down Sirius' body. He dipped his tongue into Sirius' navel, making Sirius giggle - manfully, of course - then ducked his head. Sirius' mouth opened, and he exhaled sharply as Remus' tongue lapped at his softened, sticky cock. Sparks of pleasure-pain exploded along his spine, and he wriggled, sinking his fingers into Remus' hair. Remus licked up the spilled come with broad swipes of his tongue, making Sirius tremble, then, when Sirius' belly was clean, moved further south. He tongued Sirius' balls, sucking them into his mouth, and Sirius' hands tightened in his hair.

Sirius was panting - each exhale punctuated with a tiny whimper - and painfully hard again by the time Remus pushed his legs towards his chest. He ordered Sirius to hold them out of the way then ducked his head to tease the clenching pucker between Sirius' buttocks with fluttering flicks of his tongue. Sirius gripped his knees, folding his thighs against his heaving chest, and held on, fingers digging brutally into his calves. He tried to rock up into Remus' touch, a litany of curses dripping from his lips as Remus' tongue plunged inside him over and over, working him open with alternating thrusts and licks.

Sweat made Sirius' skin slippery and he lost hold of his leg, his foot hitting Remus' shoulder as it fell to the bed. Remus shifted and his tongue slid out of Sirius' arse, leaving him wet and empty and whining at the loss. Remus leaned over the side of the bed and picked up his jeans. He wiped his chin and mouth on the leg then tugged his wand from the pocket.

'Roll over,' he said hoarsely, kissing Sirius' knee softly before urging him onto his stomach. Sirius groaned at the friction of the bedspread against his throbbing cock, unable to stop himself from rutting against the mattress.

Remus slapped his arse sharply. 'Stop that,' he said then Sirius gasped as cool lube slicked his hole.

One probing finger quickly turned into three and, when Remus crooked them expertly, Sirius begged Remus to fuck him, sure he couldn't stand another second of the sweet torture. Remus pulled his fingers out then slid up Sirius' body, kissing him behind the ear before whispering, 'Ride me' against the hinge of Sirius' jaw.

Sirius was on his knees in a moment, pushing Remus over onto his back before swinging a leg over his hips. Remus' cock slid along the slippery cleft between his buttocks and Sirius groaned, burying his face in Remus' chest as he reached back to align their bodies. 'Sit up,' Remus said shortly, putting a hand on Sirius' sternum and pushing him upright. 'I want to watch you.'

Sirius' balls tightened dangerously at the combination of Remus' growled instructions and the overwhelming sensation of Remus' cock pushing inside him for the first time in far too long. His breath came in short, sharp pants as he impaled himself on Remus, the other man crying out and gripping Sirius' hips bruisingly as they joined. Sirius closed his eyes, taking a moment to absorb the sheer bliss of having Remus filling him again. This is where he belonged, this is where he felt whole. This was home, and he couldn't live without it. He couldn't.

Remus' hands shifted, gliding up over Sirius' ribs then moving around his chest to thumb his pebbled nipples. Sirius hissed and ground himself down on Remus' dick before lifting his hips. He hated the feeling of Remus' leaving him, sliding away, and he sank back down quickly, Remus arching up at the same time. Their eyes caught and held as Sirius set a slow and steady pace.

It had never been about sex for them. Oh, that wasn't to say it wasn't absolutely spectacular because it was, but they'd been friends first and it was a connection that a physical relationship had only strengthened. There had always been something extra, something that, in the last days of their relationship, had been missing and that had been the worst thing, losing the thing that made them them.

But he could feel it now - tentative and delicate - but it was there, a tensile thread linking them, fragile tendrils wrapping around them like a cocoon. Sirius ran his hands up Remus' arms, closing around his hands. Remus' eyes closed for an instant then he was tangling their fingers as his hips juddered out of time. Sirius chased the new rhythm he'd set, every nerve ending sparking as Remus nudged his prostate again and again and again until Sirius was burning - orgasm coiled, hot and tight, in his balls - and babbling nonsense - godsremusloveyousogoodsoclose- and then he was coming, climax slamming into him with a force that made his vision white out.

Loss of equilibrium brought him back quickly and Sirius was startled to find his mouth full of pillow and his arse in the air, his over-sensitive cock rubbing against the bedspread as Remus pounded into him, each thrust accompanied by a hitching breath that sounded like a sob. Sirius felt hot tears streak down his cheeks to wet the pillow beneath him as Remus covered his body with his own, whispering Sirius' name like a mantra into the black curls at his nape as his hips jerked spasmodically with his own release.

Remus stayed inside him for longer than usual, breathing raggedly into his neck, and, when he did shift, Sirius tried to clamp down around him, to keep Remus inside him for as long as possible. Remus huffed a tiny laugh into Sirius' skin then kissed his jaw softly. 'I'm still here,' he murmured, his lips gliding over Sirius' shoulder as he slid onto the mattress. 'Always will be.'

Sirius knotted their legs together as Remus curled around him. The tips of their noses touched as they gazed at each other. Remus' thumb brushed back and forth over Sirius' jaw, the sandpaper rasp of skin against stubble soothing.

'I can't ever forget,' Remus said finally, voice rough and low. Sirius watched his mouth as it formed the words that could be either retribution or goodbye. 'Even if I can forgive you completely, I can't ever forget.'

Sirius swallowed, tasting briny tears and the stronger tang of sweat and Remus. 'I can't promise not to be an untrusting prick in the future; you know how fucked up I am,' he said slowly, fingers tightening around Remus as if he could feel him slipping away already. 'But I can promise that I'll talk to you about it, that I won't let it break us again.'

Remus blinked very deliberately, his eyelids taking what felt like hours to open. 'I don't know if that's enough,' he whispered, voice breaking on the last word. Sirius clenched his eyes shut, grief swelling inside him. 'But I never imagined my life without you. I can'timagine my life without you.'

Sirius stopped breathing and his eyes snapped open. 'What... what does that mean?' he whispered, trying not to allow any hope to struggle free.

'I don't know,' Remus said, moving his hand so he was cupping Sirius' face. 'All I know is that I'm more miserable without you than I ever was with you.'

Sirius turned his face into Remus' touch and kissed his palm. 'We've still got love,' he said quietly. 'That's got to be worth fighting for?'

Remus watched his thumb as it traced the edge of Sirius' lower lip then nodded. 'Yeah,' he murmured, raising his gaze. 'We deal with the spy first, though, then we talk.'

'Okay.'

There were no more words then until two hours later when Dumbledore's owl arrived with an illegal Portkey to carry them home.

0o0

November 1981

Sirius' olive skin shone with sweat as he reached the top of the hill. It was hotter than he'd expected it to be this time of year - Indian Summer, a local had told him, Sirius proud that he'd learned enough Greek since his last visit to understand the merchant - and he wiped his forehead as took some deep breaths. He marveled yet again at the remains of the mostly deserted temple before him then turned to look out over the glorious expanse of beautiful architecture and bustling streets.

It had been an incredible and terrible five months since he'd last stood here. The Order had gained an upper hand in the battle and now, thanks to the information Sirius and Remus had collected last time they were in Athens, had a plan to finally vanquish the Dark Lord for good.

He wouldn't be fighting that battle, though. He had another - far more important - task to complete: keeping James, Lily, and Harry safe. Peter's plan to murder them, to hand over Harry to the Dark Lord, had been thwarted with some well-timed whispers and planted information, but even though he was dead, Peter's mission held. The second attempt on Harry's life came just days after the first, along with a surprise attack on Sirius and Remus. They'd all escaped almost unscathed - a scar on Harry's forehead the only lingering reminder of the horrific night - but their part in the battle concluded as they now all fought for the life of a little boy who had somehow become the focus of the Dark Lord's attentions.

With all that was going on, Sirius and Remus had never found that moment to talk. Upon their return, they had an urgent meeting with Dumbledore, who broke the news that their friend, their confidant, Peter, had betrayed them, then they went their separate ways so as to not alert the spy to any change in circumstances. They hadn't seen each other again until they were fighting for their lives, for Harry's life. They hadn't talked again until they were both standing before Dumbledore twenty-four hours later, and Sirius was being told he was to be the Secret Keeper for the Potters and, as such, would be expected to leave the country to hide.

Remus hadn't hesitated before telling Dumbledore that he'd be going as well, giving a startled Sirius an intense, burning look before turning to stare determinedly at a smug-looking Dumbledore.

Thin arms encircled Sirius' waist and a pointed chin rested on his shoulder, shaking him out of his reverie. He smiled and leaned into Remus' embrace, feeling at peace here above it all, detached from the chaos below. It hadn't been all flowers and hearts for them on their journey so far, but they both wanted it to work and, as Lily so succinctly put it, they were both "pig-headed enough to make it happen". Two days ago, they'd spontaneously deviated from their original travel plans, Sirius deciding as they prepared to leave Germany that, instead of heading south to Italy, they'd go the long way round through Greece so Remus could finally visit the Acropolis.

'Athens is almost as beautiful as you,' Remus murmured, nuzzling his neck.

Sirius twisted around to steal a quick kiss. 'Good thing you added that 'almost',' he teased.

Remus chuckled then slid his hand into Sirius' as they turned to explore the temple's ruins. 'You know, we could have Apparated instead of walking,' said Remus, tugging on the neck of his t-shirt. 'We're all sweaty now.'

Sirius gripped him around the waist and kissed his cheek chastely. 'A wise man once told me,' he said softly, 'that you miss a lot of important stuff when you take the short cut.'

Remus' cheeks were already pink from the sun, but the shade deepened as he fought a smile. 'Wise advice, indeed,' he said, hooking a finger through Sirius' belt loop. 'Is that why we're taking this meandering path to Rome?'

Sirius grinned and planted a far-less-chaste kiss on Remus' lips. 'Yep,' he said brightly then his smile faded into seriousness. 'I took the easy way too many times, Remus, and I missed too much. Slow path for me from now on.'

'Mmm,' Remus hummed thoughtfully. 'So if I was to say that when we leave here, I want you to take me right back to the hostel and fuck me into the headboard...'

Sirius choked a little then shook his head vigorously. 'Well, perhaps there is a case for taking the occasional short cut.'

Remus laughed and pulled him in closer for a kiss, murmuring, 'Balance is everything,' before stepping out of his arms and running off towards the temple.

Sirius rolled his eyes, adjusted the front of his trousers, and followed without question.

fin.


End file.
